1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Some of our shipmates had great distain for these "boards!" Aloilela Tavita (1956-1958), for one, an American Samoan and Signalman in our QM Group (1956-1958) refused to sleep on one when at sea, choosing instead to sleep in the signal flag box on the bridge, if he could get away with it. These were fairly sizeable metal containers, as you might recall, long enough for Tavita to lay down in. We knew where to find him when he wasn't on watch, just move a few flags aside and there he would be, as snug as a 'bug" in a flag, so to speak.
- Wayne Dorough 2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
What are curtains. Nobody had to pull anything aside to stick the light in our eyes. But, I would note that Roy Gray would return the light with a fist through the night (some guys don't wake up gracefully!)
- Dave Norris
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level.
5. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High." (for that shipboard smell)
8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. (Mandatory for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup)
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors to that you either trip of the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass though one of them.
21. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
22. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man Overboard, ship recovery!" , run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea."
24. Put on the headphone from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured." Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
25. Wake up at 0-Dark-30, line up in the driveway in a light drizzle, and have your mother-in-law criticize your clothes and read you the newspaper.
26. While driving on vacation, have your wife plot your position using relative bearings.
27. Fold and store all of your clothing in your night table.
28. Block off both ends of the main hallway in your house with masking tape and a "secured for cleaning" sign. Keep it secured for most of the day. If one of your bathrooms is off this main hallway, all the better!
29. About once per month, enjoy a cool drink of water containing a massive amount of salt.
30. Wait till your family just sits down to dinner and either sound GQ or hold abandon ship drills. 31. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
32. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
33. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
34. Repaint your entire house once a month. Haze - Gray.
35. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at X-3053."
36. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
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